Music -- My therapy?

Hello everyone, I'm back. Not that anyone is actually reading right now, which, despite my anonymity, is somewhat liberating. I can say whatever the hell I want and no one is even going to read this, let alone comment or criticize it. So what is the point in writing to no one? I guess it is sort of like talking to yourself. Or better yet it is like praying. You have faith and hope that God is listening, but it isn't until you finally get an answer that you finally realize that your complaints and pleadings and sorrows have never been falling on deaf ears, you just didn't know it yet. So I guess I'm writing to the one or two people that stumble across this, lucky you! haha, no I'm laughing at myself, that is just plain sad. Jeez I've already written a paragraph and I haven't even gotten to the point of this blog, music.

For some music is entertainment, for others it is a profession, for me it is both a therapy and a drug. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. You see I can get in a depressed mood sometimes, if you catch me on a particularly open-minded day I might even admit to you my fears that I actually have depression. However during these moods I NEVER go for the music that might cheer me up, that has a small chance of lifting me from my temporary funk. Nope I go straight to the music that literally pushes me to tears, to emptiness, to a sense of worthlessness. I drag myself to hell, no help from the devil needed, just a couple of songs and I am through. Sometimes I get angry, but those are the good times because at least I am feeling emotions. The times when music reminds me of the rejection I have faced and the mistakes I carry with me I become a broken shell.

At the same time, my music is what eventually heals me of this pain. It isn't my friends, as much as I wish I could say it was. It isn't my family, they for the most part are in denial of who I am. Though I know God is always there, it is hard for him to help me when I am rejecting him so vehemently. The only constant is my music. It has no feelings or ulterior motives. I could care less about me, and in that way it is my drug and enemy. However because it is a stable source in my unstable life it is the one thing I can count on. Because no matter how often music or some other source throws me into a funk, or drags me down, it always brings me back to reality, to normalcy. Music saves me just as much as it hurts me. Perhaps that is an abusive relationship, but I prefer this abuse to the one that never bothers to check on me, the one that neglects to pull me from my pit of despair, as some of my relationships have been in the past.

So, I have come full circle and I still can't decide if music is good for me or not. I don't think I ever will, and I don't think that I will ever stop listening to music. But for anyone who reads this and wants to voice their opinion, I'm all ears. Until then I bid you adieu.

-emily